Once upon a time, my husband said to me, “I’m going to watch Star Trek.” Seemed reasonable, so I agreed. I was busy doing something else and didn’t particularly want to watch TV anyway.
So, it turns out - he didn’t really mean “some” Star Trek. I had foolishly thought he meant an episode or two, or maybe even a movie. Oh no no no, dumb wife, he meant Star Trek. As in, everything. From the beginning.
I wish I was kidding.
This was around the time I was getting ready to go in for some major knee surgery. I would be staying at my parents ranch house for the week following surgery until I could handle stairs (and pets, and kids) more easily. I figured it would give him something to do in my absence, considering I’d be doped up pretty good on narcotics and probably wouldn’t want to be texting.
It hasn’t ended.
I’m 4 months post-op, and he’s deep in the middle of Next Generation.
I don’t have words for the kind of insane this makes me. I do my best to ignore it, but the other day I sat down and did the math involved in this sort of undertaking.
Original Series: 80 ep.
Star Trek: Enterprise: 90 ep.
Next Generation: 176 ep.
Voyager: 170 ep.
Deep Space 9: 173 ep.
Given even 45 minutes per episode instead of a full hour, we are looking at a grand total of 519 hours or 21.6 days of Star Trek episodes. Then, if you add in the movies, another 22 hours.
Uhm, yeah. I’m starting to wonder if maybe he’s gone a little cray-cray working from home and being around the kids too much. I mean, I don’t EVER want to hear about my 94 episode box set of Sex and the City again.
So, even though I try to not pay attention, here is a quick list of things I’ve learned through second-hand Trek watching, in no particular order.
1. If you have to hail them first, they’re not going to answer.
2. The Borg is actually kind of hot.
3. Nobody follows the prime directive, nobody.
4. What I wouldn’t do for a replicator - Earl Grey, hot.
5. Shirtless young William Shatner. ‘Nuff said.
6. Whenever you try to “fix” a planet, you’re gonna fail.
7. Klingons don’t like surprise birthday parties.
8. If you think you’ve accidentally slipped into an alternate quantum dimension, you probably have, and you should do your best to convince everyone else.
9. The Cardassians are an alien species of jerkfaces. Sound familiar?
10. Tribbles rule.