The Superpowers of Moms
My house is a funny backwards place where my daughter is the hardcore comic book fan, not the boys. Sure, the boys like superheroes, but not the way she does. We got into a conversation yesterday about superhero powers, and she vehemently insisted that X-Men do not count as superheroes because they have “mutant powers.” Well, I don’t know about you, but I think having retractable claws is a pretty super power. Unfortunately I can’t really think of a practical use for the aforementioned claws, other than perhaps carving the Thanksgiving turkey.
As parents, we actually have our own set of super powers that activate when we leave the hospital with our first bundle of joy. It might take a bit of practice to hone them, but eventually we look back on our own childhoods and think about all the stuff we probably DIDN’T really get away with.
Supersonic Hearing - You can single out your child’s voice in a sea of tiny people yelling, hear the cellophane crinkle of covert Halloween candy from two floors away, and know when it gets too quiet there is something naughty afoot.
Bloodhound Nose - Don’t lie, you know you can smell a stinky diaper from 500 feet, know when someone hasn’t properly washed their hair, and detect a forgotten milk sippy under the third row seat of your minivan.
X-Ray Vision - Often used in conjunction with Supersonic Hearing, you know when a child in another room is doodling instead of finishing their algebra homework, and when something inappropriate is being viewed on YouTube without even having to stick your head around the corner.
Super Strength - Anyone who has ever tried to wrestle a toddler into clothing they didn’t want to wear knows all about Super Strength. This is also useful when wrangling an Octo-Baby (a child who suddenly seems to have sprouted 6 extra appendages when resisting being put in a shopping cart or car seat) or it’s cousin Jelly Baby (when your child suddenly ceases to have bones, sending them slithering to the ground in a heap).
Warp Speed - While normally reserved for rescuing endangered Lenox figurines left within reach by oblivious relatives, Warp Speed is also useful for catching cats left outside because “kitty wants to see the birdie.” In more serious situations, Warp Speed is also indispensable when catching toddlers climbing on rolling chairs, stairs, fireplaces, or bedroom furniture.
Telepathy - You know when you’re being fibbed to about who ate the last Oreo, who tracked mud on the carpet, or who colored the dog with Sharpie. You don’t need a polygraph test to determine when someone hasn’t really brushed their teeth. You can sense when two little boys are up to something before THEY even know they’re up to something. Your powers of telepathy would make Charles Xavier proud.
So, seeing as I’m already equipped with some pretty rad super powers, what more could I ask for? Maybe teleportation… to a nice warm place with umbrellas in the drinks…