(getting back to posting journal-style here on the blog… expect more personal stuff, less sponsored crap)
It’s been a long winter so far. Maybe it just feels that way. There has been snow day after snow day (coupled with late starts and early dismissals), an exciting case of the flu for 2/5 of us, and my most recent excitement, oral surgery. While I’ve been in caffeine withdrawal from quitting Diet Coke cold turkey the day before surgery (stupid, STUPID) I’ve just been sitting around loathing scrambled eggs and just about everything else on the planet. And I miss my best friend, the person who was the most awesome at wanting to set everything on fire with me.
I have no idea what happened.
She was in the process of house-hunting and moving when we started the process of putting our house up for sale. She was busy, I was busy, but when she moved it was still within a ten block radius of my house. She was unpacking while I was packing. We had fleeting text messages about how awful moving is. We said we missed each other, and would get together when the dust was settled. I finally moved in July, out of our old neighborhood, but still nearby.
I just don’t get it.
After the kids started school, I texted her all about it. About how someone had made fun of my daughter’s purple hair the first day on the bus, and how I was second-guessing the whole thing. Her son had just started kindergarten, and I loved hearing about how much he was enjoying being in school. But maybe I’m stubborn, because I felt like I was always the one texting her. I was always the one reaching out to start the conversations. So I stopped. That was September, and I haven’t heard from her since. Her birthday came and went in December, as did Christmas. Not a peep.
I thought it would only be a few days, maybe a week, before I heard her familiar text tone on my phone. It’s now been 5 months.
Did I do something wrong? Was I a bad friend and didn’t even know it? Was there some reason she dropped me, but I’m too stupid to figure it out?
I know it may come as a shock, but I can be a difficult person (I know, I know, NOT YOU NICOLE!) Sometimes I’m just not very nice at all. I have strong opinions, and when someone doesn’t agree with me I tend to let them know. However, when I have a close friend, I protect that friendship fiercely. My real friends understand that I don’t do bars, I don’t do social (very often), and I am prone to turning into a hermit for months at a time. They’re okay with it. It’s part of the package. But after being friends for roughly 15 years, I’m pretty sure she knew that.
As lame as it sounds, the five stages of grief don’t only apply to death and dying. I have been going through those stages. I think I’ve finally arrived at depression.
1.Denial — maybe she just lost her phone and doesn’t have my number anymore. Maybe she’s just really busy. Maybe she got hit by a truck and nobody told me.
2. Anger — I absolutely cannot believe this bitch! What is she thinking? It’s been weeks and weeks now. Ugh. I should go over there and give her a piece of my mind. No, I should mail back the beautiful Doctor Who charm bracelet she made me, complete with a nasty note attached. And maybe a dead squirrel.
3. Bargaining — Ugh, maybe this is all my fault. If only I had asked her to go out more often. If only I had helped her paint her kitchen when she moved. If only I had…
4. Depression — I think this is where I’m at right now. Reflecting on the whole thing just makes me sad. I miss her. I really do. My phone auto-corrected my name to Nickel (her nickname for me) the other day and it was like a punch in the gut.
I know the obvious response to all this (from the perspective of a sane person) is just, “why don’t you call her?” Frankly, I don’t want to hear it from her. It’s pretty clear things are over, otherwise you don’t just cease communications. Maybe she’ll read this and reach out. Who knows.
Maybe I’m stuck back at #1.